Homage

Remember my posts about my friend Doug here and here?

I was pleased to find out someone else paid tribute to him.

Discovered an old friend on FB who also was a close friend of Doug’s, even longer than I had been.  We talked for a while and I got a few more details about Doug and the last few years before his death.  Though many of his issues persisted and his health slowly failed, it seems that he was able to find a little measure of peace before his passing. And my friend was kind enough to post a website in memory of Doug here.

And after looking it over and seeing his photo, I had to leave the room because my damn allergies started acting up.

I too miss my friend Doug.  Because he was one of the very few people who could see my dilemmas, understand them fully, and be able to reach in and add his own unique perspective that would often be exactly the right thing I would need to hear at the time.  Even if I didn’t want to.

I could sure use it now.  Because he would understand it perfectly.

Because he has before.

And I can’t tell you how glad I am that someone else remembered him too.

Change changing changes

An awful lot has happened the past couple weeks.  As if that hasn’t been clear by my posts.

I’ve been through changes before.  Some good, some not so good, some downright catastrophic.  Some planned, some unplanned.  But it’s been a long, long time since I’ve been through such an surprise, spur of the moment whirlwind like recently.  I went from being sedentary, bored, depressed, and unemployed to all of a sudden being thrust back into the position of trying to provide for my family.

And truth is, it feels good.  But there is a surrealness to it.

And with that surrealness comes doubts.

Mainly about Yes Dear’s willingness to move out here.

Oh she’ll do it.  I’m not concerned about that.  What I’m concerned about is that even two years ago being this close to her family was an unthinkable proposition.  When I took her and the kids from Arkansas to Georgia back in 1997 she was completely at her wits end with the rest of her family.  She had been dependent on them for too long and no matter how hard she tried to get away from their influences, something would happen to where she had to rely on them and she would get reeled back in. The two state buffer was an absolute necessity at the time and there was no contact between them and us for at least a couple years.  Eventually once we had ourselves established in Georgia and had control over our own lives, we slowly reestablished contact with the rest of them.  But only on our own terms.

True, a lot has changed back then.  One thing that hasn’t changed is the chaos, particularly in her sister’s house.  But we are in a much better position to set our own boundaries, and there is about a 75 mile buffer between their place and my work.  And we will be using every inch of that buffer, and more.

But it may not be enough for her.

I’ve had two dinner invites from her sister, one which I took last night and another that I’ll take Sunday after church (which I’m going to take JJ to).  Despite my reassurances that I will stay out of any chaotic situations, she seems real antsy about me spending any time over there.  (But not over JJ, she’s actually very supportive of that).  Even my niece Stevie, to whom I’m forever grateful to and her husband as well for putting me up, tells me I’ll have no problems as long as I set boundaries with them.  Yet Yes Dear went as far to tell me she’d be completely pissed at me if I spent the night at her sister’s place.

Which is not going to happen, no matter how much she offers (and JJ begs).  It’s not a very clean house, and there are cats all over the place, not to mention the reek of cat urine.  I’d start wheezing after a couple hours there.  Not to mention the chaos factor of all the people (some family, some boarders) that live there.

But I’m kinda concerned about how adamant Yes Dear is about her caution.  Like she’s afraid I’m going to be assimilated and become like them.  And I don’t want to feel like I’m turning traitor on my own wife just because her sister wants to include me on some of the family things they do.

And even though I queried Yes Dear at length about coming out here, and reassured her that if it was too major an issue coming out here I wouldn’t look this way for a job, I’m afraid that it still may be an issue.

Maybe she’s afraid of me getting too comfortable around her family.  That they’ll take my heart and concern for the kids and use it against me.  That my biggest weakness, that of being needed, will be taken advantage of and make me feel more needed by them than by her.

Which brings me to the next part of my post.  The fact that I seem to be the only halfway decent male figure in this town, except maybe for Stevie’s husband.

I’ve already covered the JJ situation extensively in a few posts.  But last night, leaving the SIL’s place it was his little brother Mark, the skittish five-almost-six year old with some developmental issues, who wrapped himself around me and begged me, with heartbreaking blue eyes, not to leave.  I had to reassure him that I would be back Sunday for dinner repeatedly before he’d let me go.

And then there is the situation at Stevie’s house.

Very shortly before I came out here, she took in her best friend and her kids, who got thrown out of their place by an abusive asshole boyfriend.  The friend has a fourteen year old daughter and three boys, 13, 10 and 9.  Had I known the situation beforehand I would’ve seriously reconsidered staying with Stevie, who has a five year old little girl and a 16-mo old boy herself.  But she insisted all was okay, so I do all I can to help keep house and keep track of kids.

Apparently, without even really trying, I’ve become a surrogate to the friend’s kids as well.

They all wanted me to friend them on Facebook.  They keep asking me to come out and throw football with them.  Which is another weakness, because I miss having other males (young or old) to talk football with.  They tell me about their school, their activities, and their friends.  The oldest boy got into a conversation with me the other night about guns and shooting.  The youngest now comes to me for a hug before going to bed.

So what have I gotten myself into?

Is there a reason for all this attention?  Am I running the risk of spreading myself out too far, and not having anything left over for my immediate family, who probably needs me the most of all?  Even though I’ve felt totally useless to them for the past several months?  Is God putting me through another test, one which I have to pass for the sake of my family?  Is Yes Dear reading me far better than I’m reading myself and not liking what she sees?  Jealousy, perhaps?

That there’s people other than her that make me feel good about myself?  That I’m worth something after all?

Looks like I rambled a little bit.  Sorry.

But the changes are coming fast.  And I’m trying hard to keep up with them.

And no matter how positive things feel to me, no matter how confident I feel about the future, that God may have led me here for a reason (which her sister did tell me), none of it will be worth it without Yes Dear being fully on board.

To gain all this only to lose her or be without her support would mean I gained nothing at all.

And it won’t be until summer, after PBJ graduates high school, that they’ll be able to move out here.

So I’ll just have to roll with the changes, set some boundaries, and hope that I’m not being led around by a foolish heart.

Hail Mary

Condensed from Wikipedia: “A Hail Mary pass or Hail Mary play in American football… is now a common term often used to refer to any forward pass made in desperation, with only a small chance of success (colloquially speaking, it “has a prayer’s chance”). The term Hail Mary pass is often used for any long completed forward pass thrown near the end of a game.”

Pardon me, but I’m going to indulge in some football history for a few minutes.

1975 – The Dallas Cowboys are trailing the Minnesota Vikings by four points in a playoff game, stuck at midfield with 24 seconds to go.  Dallas QB Roger Staubach says a prayer then heaves a long pass downfield towards receiver Drew Pearson, closely guarded by Vikings corner Nate Wright.  At the 5-yard line, Wright either slips or was pushed (debatable to this day) and the ball appears to ricochet off his outstretched foot as he goes down, into the arms of a surprised Pearson, who goes the final five yards into the endzone for the winning touchdown.  The original football Hail Mary.

1980 – Minnesota Vikings are behind the Cleveland Browns by one point in a critical game, on the Browns’ 45, four seconds to go, no timeouts, out of field goal range.  Vikings QB Tommy Kramer calls “Squadron Right”, and hurls the ball deep into a crowd at the 2-yard line.  The ball is deflected towards Vikings receiver Ahmad Rashad, who scoops it in with his left hand then backs into the endzone.  Touchdown.  Vikings win after trailing the whole game and makes playoffs.

1983 – The Atlanta Falcons are down three points playing the San Francisco 49ers, on the 49er 47 with three seconds to go in the game.  Falcons QB Steve Bartkowski calls the play “Big Ben Right” and launches the ball straight up almost into the stratosphere.  The ball finally comes down into a crowd at the five yard line, where it is tipped.  Falcons receiver Billy “White Shoes” Johnson, who slipped on the play and was late getting to his assigned position downfield, arrived just in time to catch the deflection, elude two tacklers, and lunge into the end zone as time expired, with the ball just barely making it over the goal line.  Falcons win.

Fast forward to 2009:

Dave, in a desperate attempt to land a job in a losing economy, with funds and time running out and not finding anything local, heaves a resume and a cover letter two states away to Little Rock, AR.  The “ball” lands in the arms of a small printing company who calls Dave in from two states away for an interview.  Dave drives out with just enough funds to put gas in his car, stays with family, and interviews the very next day.  After the “referees” have a conference to make sure that Dave’s references are legit and review his resume, they call Dave back a week later with an offer more than what was originally advertised.  Dave accepts.

Touchdown.

I start the job a week from Monday.

The JJ Chronicles

(I originally didn’t intend to make this a full post about JJ, but that’s what it turned into.  Was going to save it for later, but I guess too late now.)

Got me some JJ time this weekend.  Had to drop him off at SIL’s house a little while ago so he can go back to school tomorrow.  He was really sad to go, but at least he avoided a breakdown scene.

I’m of two minds here that pull so sharply in opposite directions I feel like I’m going schizo.  On the one hand, there’s some sense of relief because of the energy I’ve had to devote to him, to be able to spend time with him, keep him entertained, and keep him out of trouble in a chaotically full house with other boys that he tends to clash with.  And now I am able to focus all that energy in the direction that is the primary reason why I’m here in the first place.  The coming week is going to determine if this little adventure was worth it or not.

On the other hand, I missed him terribly moments after dropping him off.  Despite the fact that after two full days with him I really needed a break, that the time and attention he seeks can really drain you after a while, it was so hard to drive away.  He wanted me to come get him and spend some time next weekend with him, but I had to gently explain, in a way that an eight-year old could understand, why it wouldn’t be possible and how I had to focus myself on getting a job.  He seemed to understand, though he wasn’t happy with the answer.  But I was determined that I was going to be as honest as possible with him and not sugarcoat things, giving him false expectations for something that may or may not happen.  That’s the kind of game that his chunt egg-donor plays with him, as well as a few other “adults” who should know better, and I intend to set myself as far apart from those others that I can, at least in his mind.

Did get to take him trick or treating last night.  Everybody else seemed to make their own plans, so I decided JJ and I would make ours and just find a neighborhood to drive through in a town I’m not completely familiar with.  Got him dressed up as a pretty respectable looking Batman, stopped by the grandparents’ place (Yes Dear’s mom & dad) first and ran into my niece and her family, who had been gone all day at her inlaws place.  Ended up tagging along with them and got some trick or treating done, though there was a distinct lack of homes handing out candy.  Apparently, at least in the neighborhood we finally ended up in, the kids had gone through early and picked the place clean, so not many homes were left with candy.

More interesting was the behavior of JJ when it came to trick or treating.  Most kids you would imagine running gangbusters from house to house looking for candy.  JJ, on the other hand, almost had to be prodded to go up to doors, even with groups of other kids, and would hardly venture any further than six feet from me.  Makes me wonder if he gets to do this very often.

This morning I took him to church with me.  Did fine during our sacrament services (he borrowed my notepad to doodle on) but wanted to go home instead of going to his Sunday school class afterwards.  Just then my SIL showed up with JJ’s little brother Mark in tow, who proceeded to nearly flatten me with a flying tackle/hug that Richard Dent would have been proud of.  We were then able to convince a very reluctant JJ that Mark really wanted to go to Sunday school but needed to have his big brother with him.  That gave me the opportunity to seek out and talk to the bishop about resources I could use for employment and housing, as well as an enlightening conversation with an older gent who offered me some sage advice and encouragement about my situation.

BTW, ever have the feeling that the Lord sometimes puts people in our path that we really need to talk to, just when we needed such a person?  That’s how I felt after talking to that last gentleman.  Never met him before in my life, yet he introduced himself to me and I felt as comfortable talking with him as someone I’ve known for years.  Interesting, I’m very seldom like that with strangers.

Afterwards, my SIL had a chance to talk about things and I got a few stories straight about some things.  Discovered we actually see eye to eye on a great deal of things regarding JJ, and his mother *cough, choke, gag*.  She would love nothing more than to cut the Chunt out of his life completely, but JJ still has feelings for his mother and she’s (rightly) afraid that the short-term damage may be greater than the long-term good would create.  She does realize that JJ needs to get out of the house more often and spend time with people that give him positive reinforcement.

So things aren’t quite as bad over there as I feared (I hope).  Yet there still is way too much chaos for him to deal with, and it shows.  And I will be keeping my eyes and ears open.

Ok, now for my Jerry Maguire moment.

JJ & I were stretched out on the bed, with him playing games on my laptop and me supervising.  After a while I nodded off for an unknown period of time, awakening with a start that heavy duty snorers are familiar with when they awaken themselves with their snoring.

I glanced over at JJ, who had turned away from his game, and was regarding me with a quizzical look.

“Sorry.  Did my snoring bother you?”

“Weeellll…” he started to reply.

“My apologies.”

“Uh, you did a little more than snore.”

“I did?”  Curious now.

“Yeah.” he said.  Then he lowered his voice.

“You started a snore, breathed in…”

“Go on.”

“…and when you breathed out, you said “oh shit”.

My mouth dropped open.

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Did not!”

“Did too.”

Thought about it, then realized, knowing my subconcious states of mind sometimes, it was entirely possible.

“Well, if I said that, I’m sorry.”

“Okay.”

“Your mee-maw don’t need to know about that”.

“No problem.”  Having dealt with this  distraction, he resumed his focus of attention on his game, acting like nothing happened.

Lovable kid.

 

Live from the ATU library

I should be more thankful, considering it’s holding together right now fairly well, but sometimes my car sucks.

First of all, I have no operating gas gauge.  I lost that two years ago, when I replaced the fuel pump (a major operation on a Bonneville).  The operation was a success, other than I screwed up the gauge unit and wasn’t going to drop the tank a second time to fix it.  So ever since I’ve had to go by the trip odometer and estimate the MPG the hard way.  Considering the fact I’ve only run out of gas twice in two years, I think I’ve gotten it down pretty good.

Today I’ve discovered the trip odometer is sticking.

Great.  Now I’ve got to use the main odometer and keep a constant log of the mileage (another memory item I have to make room for in my overstuffed and overtired brain).  And if I forget even once to log it and miscalculate what I’ve got in my tank, I’m all but screwed.  There’s a whole lot of stretches of highway nothing between Little Rock and Atlanta.

The car? It just rolled over 200,000 miles.  A few prayers for it, because it may have some hard duty in the months ahead.  And if it gives up the ghost, I’ve had it.  The adventure (and likely any future employment prospects ANYWHERE) is all but gone.

What, you ask.  How did the interview go?

All things considered, quite well, thank you.  And I discovered there isn’t a whole lot of competition, so I may have a real opportunity here.  I’m not going any further on the subject for fear of the jinx but thank you for asking.  Will keep posted as things develop.

I’m all but thankful towards my niece and her husband, who’s willing to put me up despite the fact they’re putting up a whole other family in the meantime.  Her best friend and four kids had to leave an abusive situation, so they’re camping out at her house as well.

Told you, there’s always drama going on with my wife’s side of the family.

As you can imagine, things are quite crowded and noisy, which is why I’ve retreated to the Arkansas Tech library (five minutes down the road) for some ‘net time, blog time, and quiet time.  Imagine I’ll be returning quite a bit during the day.  Nice, quiet and cozy.

Of course, I’ve offered my services to my host for anything she needs.  Watching kids and cleaning house?  Gotten pretty accomplished at that, so no problem there.  Looks like I’ll be helping take kids trick or treating.  And it looks like JJ will be able to join us too.

But I do miss our baby.  The little snugglemuffin.

Musical Interlude 10/28/2009 (one for the road)

Hitting the road for Arkansas about 10:00 this morning on what I pray doesn’t turn out to be a fool’s mission.  On a frayed shoestring budget, the kind that I’m sure Mr. Rogers dreaded having to tie on his kiddie program.  Seriously, I’ve got enough gas to get out there and barely get around, so I have to make it count.  And pray my tired old Bonnie can hold together for a little while longer.  Luckily, it’ll be mostly flat interstate driving, just a few hills in Alabama.

I have good feelings about the job prospects.  Hopefully they’ll turn out to be true.

I have not so good feelings about the family situation, hence my last post.  Some disquieting rumors I’ve heard that I’m going to track down while I’m out there.  If too many of them turn out to be true, Yes Dear & I may be forced to take action.  Like Joan of Argghh! so eloquently stated in her last post, poverty of action cannot be tolerated.

Meanwhile, here’s some road music for your enjoyment while I’m out on the road.  Anybody out there remember this song?  One that gave me chills when I first heard it as an eleven year old, and still does to this day.  Christopher Cross really hit it out of the park with his debut album, so well that he was never quite able to recapture the excellence of his first with his subsequent recordings.

It was years before I’d admit to anybody that I possessed this album.  Because a middle/high schooler in the early 80’s didn’t admit to such things, lest they suffer unceasing ridicule and after school ass-kickings.  But this is on of the very few albums out there, at least of those I possess, that EVERY track is an enjoyment.  Not a single bad one here.  Plus he had some heavy duty talent helping him on selected tracks, including the incomparable Michael McDonald for backing vocals, the late Jeff Porcaro on drums, and even Eric Johnson on guitar.  Plus Cross himself plays a pretty blistering guitar solo towards the end of this song, which he deftly reproduces in this video.

So today’s road music: Ride Like The Wind, by Christopher Cross.  Featuring Michael McDonald on piano and providing his excellent backup vocals.

And I’ll be back with some progress reports towards the end of the week.

Prayer for abused and neglected children

“Gentle Jesus, look kindly on those children who have been denied the gift of a safe and happy childhood. Protect them from abuse and neglect and let them find comfort in Your love and protection.
Help all of us to show sympathy and compassion to troubled children whose words and actions test patience and understanding. Let these children see the world as the beautiful place You created. Help them find the courage to overcome their fears so they may learn to trust and love.
Grant those who have young lives entrusted in their care Your wisdom and kindness so they may provide the kind of love all children need to grow and mature. Amen.”

(Originally found here.  Even though I’m not Catholic, this prayer fits the bill perfectly.)

UPDATE: After a little more searching I did find something from the LDS gospel library online.  From a talk given some time ago by a church authority, titled “The Special Status Of Children”:

“…It is my witness that our kind and loving Heavenly Father has made special allowances for little children, consistent with their innocence and the eternal principle of agency. It is also my witness that he gave parents, and all adults, the responsibility of properly teaching and protecting them. Offenders of these little ones face a divine wrath. The Savior’s injunction to become as a little child is an invitation to purify our lives that we also may stand blameless before Him…”

Elder Merlin R. Lybbert
Of the Seventy

October Blues

Warning: overlong, meandering post ahead.

For many, the change in seasons is something to celebrate.  The heat of the summer giving way to the cool days and chilly mornings of the fall, the leaves changing color and falling, the hint of the coming holidays.  Usually it’s my favorite time of year, and there are many that seem to agree with me.

However it’s not always happy for everyone.  And this year there seem to be a lot of people I know who are struggling with various issues in life right now.  Myself included.

I’d like to call attention to a couple of them here.  Oddybobo is going through some really tough times right now.  I’m not going to air someone else’s personal laundry here, but let’s just say the past few months she’s lost two of the three people in her life that meant the most to her.  So if you haven’t visited her already, go stop by and give her some love and words of encouragement.

Shannon of Everyday Stranger is one that I am very concerned about right now.  Especially so because I consider her a sort of blogmom and I likely wouldn’t be here blogging without her inspiration.  Sadly, in a sense, she’s lost a loved one too and is not doing well at this point.  She’s closed down her Facebook and blog comments, so just think some happy, comforting thoughts and send them her way.

Me?  I’m currently not doing too bad, all things considered, but a couple weeks ago some long time issues of mine came to a head, combined with family stress, and I had my own little ride on the meltdown carousel.

I haven’t made it a secret here that I tend to have self-image and self-esteem issues, but I’ve never gone into detail.  Even now I don’t want to delve too deeply into it but I will share two things that tend to really get me down on myself.  First of all, I can be fantastically clumsy at times.  Not all the time, but it tends to be spectacular when it happens.  I’ll trip over my own feet, run into a wall, whack my elbow on something I’ve cleared zillions of times, drop a drink without warning, knock over something fragile or full of liquid, etc.  Suffice to say I get really upset at myself when such things happen.  Quite often the paint on the walls starts bubbling from the sheer force of the foul language uttered by me on such occasions.  I find myself extra cautious when dealing with the baby, afraid I’m going to trip and drop him, or bang him on a doorsill by accident, or catch him across the face with my elbow when I’m trying to feed him.

Worse, far worse, is that I swear I’m losing my mind sometimes.

I’ve always been a poor multitasker.  My mind can focus on only one thing at a time, or absolutely nothing.  I’m very prone to distractions.  I often mishear things and sometimes forget something immediately after I’m told.  Certain things that loom large and important in my mind I can keep straight, but often to the detriment of everything else.  My think-on-my-feet skills are very poor.  My mind tends to wander at critical times and miss important information.

This is not just recent baby-induced fatigue.  This is something I’ve struggled with for years and it’s not getting any better.  I sometimes wonder seriously if I have early onset Alzheimer’s or senility.

Don’t laugh.  I’m not kidding.

I don’t think of myself as a stupid person.  Quite the opposite.  But my shortcomings make me do stupid things, as well as just look stupid.  And there are days where I can’t stand to be around myself.

Don’t worry, I have no plans to do something extraordinarily rash.  Too many people depend and care about me for me to want to go in that direction.

But I have to admit there have been times, like a few weeks ago, where I wished something really bad would happen to me.  A sudden heart attack, or getting run down by a semi in the middle of the street, sounded really good to me.  The self-loathing was that bad.

Not helping is the fact my issues have pushed my wife to the limit, to where she sometimes thinks I deliberately ignore everything she says to spite her.

A good example of my issues getting me into trouble was an incident a couple years ago.  Back in my scoutmaster days, during a bike ride, one of my scouts crashed his bike and managed to briefly knock himself out.  I focused my attention on the injured scout (who it turned out did suffer a slight concussion) but in the process lost track of my other charge, who told me he was going to find his dad for help, who was leading others elsewhere in the park.  Having my hands full taking care of a kid who was exhibiting the scary signs of a head injury, and against my better judgement, I let the other one go.  Unfortunately he missed his dad, who proceeded to show up on the scene, discovered one hurt boy and his son missing, and proceeded to go ballistic on me in front of the kids and onlookers.

Yes indeed, my self-hatred and self-esteem hit lows that day that I didn’t think possible.  I don’t think I could’ve imagined in my wildest dreams what a clusterfuck that day turned into.

Fortunately, the lost son was located quickly.  We got my injured Scout to his mother, who was a lot kinder to me after I explained what happened, and he got taken to the ER.  After which I proceeded to go home in complete and utter disgrace.

I was able to exercise some decent damage control.  I told my bishop all of what happened and offered my resignation from my calling, believing I could not be an effective leader.  To his credit, he talked to all involved parties and told me they still wanted me as their Scoutmaster (though he did call me an assistant, something I was grateful for and should’ve had in the first place).  And I was able to mend things with the dad that had gotten so upset with me, we shook hands, and put the matter behind us.  And the boys (luckily only a couple were present) overlooked my complete humiliation and still retained their trust and confidence in me.

But confidence in myself after that?  Took much longer to get any of it back.  Especially considering I had made a series of bad decisions, each one making the prior one worse, that resulted in that particular debacle.  There were some safety issues I didn’t address, which resulted in the initial accident, and I failed to keep track of all my charges, even when one was hurt and really needed my attention.

These are the things that I’ve had to deal with most of my life.  And the older I get, the worse the consequences get for my shortcomings.  And especially now, having a baby in the house and trying desperately to get a job, I don’t have the luxury of any more screwups.

So when the low points happen, all I can do is ride them through, and find things to do, small mundane moments of enjoyment, that’ll bring me back.

And now I’ll share my happy pills.  My MP3’s, well dispensed by Windows Media Player.

There’s always that old standby “Touch of Grey” by the Grateful Dead, to help me through the tough times.  The rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in years, it’s even worse than it appears, but it’s alright.  I will get by, I will survive.

For my headbanging, let’s kick some ass moods, I’ve got the good AC/DC standbys “Back In Black”, “Thunderstruck”, and “Highway To Hell”.  A little “Rock of Ages” from Def Leppard, Metallica’s “Enter Sandman”, even some Alice In Chains (Man In The Box).

Mellow?  I got plenty of Steely Dan, a couple CD’s worth of Bonnie Raitt, some Eagles, and throw in the Doobie Brothers.  Especially with Michael McDonald singing.

Contemplative?  Counting Crows, Sting, Peter Gabriel, Natalie Merchant, Big Head Todd & The Monsters.  Oh yeah, Jackson Browne’s “The Pretender” is another good one to have.

Road trip to anywhere, get lost, and stay lost?  The entire “Brothers In Arms” CD by Dire Straits, Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” and “Kings Of The Highway”.  Stone Temple Pilot’s “Interstate Love Song” (of course).  Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car”.

Feeling down, and want to revel in my misery, wallow in it for awhile?  Good old Nirvana delivers.  If I’m really low?  “Creep”, ‘specially the Pretenders version sung by Chrissie Hynde.  Or perhaps “Squonk” by Genesis.

Good mood, good feelings?  Just about anything by Stevie Ray Vaughan (especially “Little Wing”), backed up by some Eric Johnson.  Eric Clapton’s “Change The World” fits the bill.  Or let’s reach back for a real oldie, “Drift Away” by Dobie Gray (the ONLY version of that song that’s worth listening to in my book).

Who cares what I’m feeling, let’s just enjoy some good tunes?  The entire Black Crowes CD “Shake Your Money Maker”.  REM’s “Eponymous” CD.  Just about anything by Van Halen (even the Sammy Hagar days, after that forget it).  Sting’s “Bring On The Night” double live CD.

Okay, I’m done boring you with samplings from my MP3 collection.  Care to share some of your happy pills?

Careful what you wish for…

I’ve landed myself a job interview next week.

In Arkansas.

“What?  Arkansas?  Why would you want to go out there?”  my regular readers are probably asking.  “Especially to live close to that crazy family of your wife’s?  I thought that was the main reason you lived 700 miles away! To put at least a 2 state distance between your family and theirs!”

All true.  But let me ‘splain a few things.

First of all, the job search around here is coming up zilch.  Nada.  My current occupational experience (printing) is not exactly a booming industry right now.  Yet it is the only thing I can do which has any chance of providing me & my family with a living wage (more than unemployment) right now.  And I also have to factor in the commute.  My wife already has a long drive herself, so there’s a sliding scale between the salary I need and being able to put gas in my car.  For example, the temp job I had for a couple weeks this summer would’ve been nice permanent, but it was over a 100 mi roundtrip commute to Marietta, which is well on the other side of Atlanta from where I live.  And though the early morning commute was doable, I was guaranteed to be in bumper-to-bumper traffic when I left work.  Which translates into $40+ worth of gas every 3 days, effectively putting us financially only slightly better than me staying at home on unemployment.

I’ve also expanded my job search to out of town.  If you remember correctly, I was looking in Houston earlier this year and I almost had a job lined up, but it fell through. I’d look out there again, but I’d need very solid leads before I would be able to do that venture again.  Besides it would be a little while before the rest of my family could come out, and it’s an awful lot of distance between there and here to have to travel back and forth.

Lately we’d been discussing the possibility of going back to Arkansas to be closer to Yes Dear’s parents due to their declining health, something that would’ve been inconceivable to us just a few years ago.  But first of all, we’d live at least 60 miles away.  Second, we’d set very strict boundaries on the family to avoid being drawn into their never-ending drama.  And third, both Yes Dear & I get the feeling we’ll be truly needed out there shortly.  Not wanted, needed.

Last week I came across a prospective job opportunity in Little Rock that fit my skills and experience perfectly, and even advertised a decent (for that part of the country) wage.  Figuring it would be a longshot because I would be applying from out of state, but wanting to try anyway, I emailed a cover letter and resume.  Of course, I first asked Yes Dear if this was something she really wanted me to do, and she said to go ahead.

And they called back today.  And want to set something up late next week.

Though it’s a longshot, we feel it’s still worth going out there to try for.  And I’m going to send a bunch of resumes and cover letters to some other companies in the area that I researched, to see if there’s a chance of landing multiple interviews.

I’ll likely stay with my niece and her family.  The good one.  And if an offer comes through (but I shouldn’t think that far quite yet) I may stay with them temporarily until I can get someplace closer, because they live about 70 miles from Little Rock.

As far as the rest of the family goes, smart money would be to say nothing at this point.  Slip into town without saying a word (something I’ve done before and am pretty good at).  Not give them the chance to attempt to make my plans for me, or sucker me into the latest soap opera episode.  Or guilt me into visiting and then take me hostage.

That’s the smart thing to do, and I would almost do it.  Except for one thing.

One little thing.

One person that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately.  One person that’s at ground zero for all the family BS and has no say about it.  One person that desperately needs guidance but doesn’t get enough of it from the people who should be providing it to him.  And would no doubt be overjoyed by an unexpected visit from someone who loves him dearly.

One young person.  And if you’ve been following along, you know who I’m talking about.

So I’ll probably settle for secrecy until just before I go.  So I can make my plans, and not give them time to formulate any of their own.

After all, this technically is a business trip.  And business, especially in this case, must come before personal.

But, with God as my witness, I will fit that personal time in there somewhere.

I hope I’m not jumping the gun right now blogging about this.  I hope next week doesn’t come along and they decide not to interview me after all.  I hope I don’t suddenly wake up and find I’m dreaming (strong possibility, because I’ve been sleeping very little the past several weeks).  I hope I don’t end up driving 650 miles and scraping the bottom of our seriously depleted financial barrel for nothing more than a fool’s errand.  I hope God really is trying to draw my family out there for a better purpose and opening a doorway to make it possible.  And I hope my poor car is up to driving some serious interstate mileage.

I hope this will work out somehow, someway, for the best.  Because this really did start out as sort of a fevered dream.  I did not expect for someone out of state to contact me as a prospective employee.  This was supposed to be a pipedream, a semi-desperation move, another extension of my job search just so I could feel I was doing something and could tell my wife that I was really trying my hardest to make something happen.

I didn’t expect anything to come of this.  And I’m still not totally believing anything will.  But I have to try.  For my family.  And for me.  Because I’m tired of sitting on my ass and nothing happening.

Because after almost a year of unemployment, something’s got to happen.

Oh PulEEZE…

The New Orleans-based Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals has allowed a class action lawsuit by Hurricane Katrina victims to proceed against a conglomeration of energy, oil, and chemical companies. They claim that the defendants’ greenhouse gas emissions raised air and water temperatures on the Gulf Coast, contributing to Katrina’s strength and causing property damage.

(hat tip to Instapundit)

Looks like the Katrina leeches ran out of FEMA money, so this is just another way for them to grab some cash to sustain their welfare lifestyles.  Guess nobody told them that the only ones making money out of this, if the case even goes any further, will be the lawyers and the plaintiffs will be lucky to get any leftover chump change.

And people wonder why tort law seriously needs to be overhauled?

I’ve always thought that when any civil tort case is filed, it should first go before a review panel to decide if there is any merit to the suit.  Something like a grand jury for civil law.  No major courtroom arguments here, just a determination if there is any real legal basis to proceed.  If the board rules that there is no merit to the case it gets tossed and the plaintiffs have to pay all court associated fees up to that point.  If the board can find some legal justification to continue the suit, then everything should proceed as normal.  Hopefully this would discourage frivolous suits from tying up the system and put the financial burden on those who bring forth such suits.

Also there should be a three strikes rule when it comes to frivolous lawsuits.  After the third time a judge dismisses a plaintiff’s suit as being without merit, the plaintiff should lose the right, at least for a good number of years, to file ANY civil suit in any court in this country.  As well as making them 100% responsible for all court and defendant’s fees.

Of course such common sense things will never happen.  But it’s sometimes fun to think us laymen have better answers than the lawyers.