Weak

Being weak is not unfamiliar to me.

I’m not talking so much physically (even though I’ve never really been a muscular powerhouse) as I am emotionally and spiritually.

I’ve been weak more times in my life than I care to admit. I let myself be pushed around and beaten down by bullies when I was younger. I had a major insecurity problem and tended to wear my emotions on my sleeve, which was a big fat bullseye during my school years, particularly middle school. I’ve always had problems with my self esteem. I’ve been guilty countless times of losing my resolve to commit to a particular course of action. I dread difficult decisions. I shy away from confrontation. I’ve battled with, and sometimes still do, unhealthy habits that can potentially break me spiritually.

And yet, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve been able to develop somewhat of a shell, or at least a thicker skin. I’m caring less and less what others think of me, outside of the ones I love and love me. I’m better at taking criticism and applying it positively to myself. I’m better at dealing with assholes with a shrug and a “whatever”. I’m not afraid to seek out help when I need it, whether it be for small things or for major issues. I try very hard to keep the big picture in focus, and not be derailed by smaller distractions. I’m a lot better at overcoming failures rather than letting them overcome me.

It’s taken me over forty years, and at times I still struggle, but I’m a lot stronger person than I used to be.

Now if only my daughter June Bug could reach that point. Quickly.

She puts on a façade of a tough outer shell, but she’s easy to crack. She started a job a week ago which is a fantastic opportunity around here for a single mom trying to get on her feet, but according to her some rude coworkers are trying to break her. Yes Dear & I try to cheerlead for her as much as we can, but we can’t go to her work and experience what she is experiencing. We can’t tell how much of the problem is her work environment and how much of it is her inability to stick it out. She’s talking about switching shifts to nights where she would have much less responsibility, but I’m not convinced that her problems wouldn’t follow her to that shift as well. Not to mention it’ll be problematic keeping CJ and his separation anxiety away from her during the day while she sleeps.

She also says that she has issues dealing with people her own age, that she does better with people older than her. Probably because many of her peers are involved in the same kind of habits (partying, drinking, drugs) that she’s trying to stay away from. But it’s hard making it through life without friends, even when they may be bad for you.

And then there is the narcissistic Baby Daddy. Whom we discovered she contacted a few times last week, despite our strident warnings not to, because he’s exactly the type of person that can and will prey on her weaknesses.

Though she swears she now sees her mistake, we’re afraid she’s following her usual pattern of being wishy-washy. That she doesn’t have the strength to make the hard decisions for her own good and CJ’s, that she will always take the path of least resistance, even when she can see it leading her back to hell. That she will return to the habits that got her into trouble in the first place. That she will always make excuses to get out of doing the right thing, even when it’s the only thing.

We’re afraid. Very afraid. That we’ll have to make tough decisions of our own that involves cutting her loose and letting her sink, because we can’t afford to let her actions disrupt our family.

Or harm CJ.

And that’s a route that we pray that we don’t have to take again.

It’s not like she doesn’t have many options. There are numerous things that can be done, resources available, that can help her get on her feet and keep her and CJ safe. We have lots of people willing to help and provide us with such resources. Yet not one of them is going to matter worth a damn if she continues to be weak. And pretty soon, she’ll find herself without any of these resources, without any of these options. Where all the decisions, for better or worse, will be made for her and she will no longer have any say or control over her life or CJ’s.

We can only encourage her so much. We can practice toughlove only so much. The ball is now in her court, and it’s up to her to score with it or fumble it.

But she’s weak. And she knows she’s weak. And we don’t know how to get her to overcome and push through it.

 

 

Preface to the next post

I normally don’t do teasers like this, but my next post will be something I’d really like to share with my trusted blogfriends, but because of security reasons which will soon become obvious, the post will be locked.  If you care for the password, email me and if you’ve been around long enough (most of you know who you are) I have no problem giving it to you.  For those already in the know, the password will be the same as it’s always been.  My email should be found in my About Me post (I think).

But for anyone who’s been following lately, I’ll part with this bit of information:

My daughter June Bug and grandson CJ are now safe with us.  Thank every last one of you for your prayers and happy thoughts.  Because, believe me, we needed every last one of them.

That’s all for now.

Prayers

For my daughter June Bug and grandson CJ who are at this very minute, as I’m typing, getting on a bus and coming out here to escape a verbally and emotionally abusive situation.

That they may travel in safety, that both manage the trip well, that June Bug find the resources that she needs out here to support herself and CJ, and that we are able to help her find these resources.

That June Bug finds the strength to face herself and her issues, that she finds a way to deal with her chronic lack of self-esteem that has contributed greatly to the many negative choices she’s made in her life.

That she finds a way to forgive herself for past mistakes that others have already forgiven her for, and understand that asking and receiving help is not an imposition on others, but a blessing for all parties involved.

That she finds the strength to overcome her pride and seek out the help she so desperately needs for her issues, with the goal of improving herself.

That she may understand her past habits and relationships, particularly the one she’s getting away from, cannot be allowed to continue, for CJ’s sake and hers.

That she may discover her self worth as an imperfect daughter of God, that she is loved even when she feels unlovable, and deserves better than what she has recently been experiencing.

That my tired old car be able to make the 90min trip to the city tomorrow to pick her up and return with no problems.

That the narcissistic controlling baby daddy that she’s leaving stay out of hers and our grandson’s life.  And if he tries to follow that he will either be stopped and incarcerated for his many probation violations, or that he will run off a bridge and into a tree and break his neck.

Okay, I probably should omit the very last part about praying for ill fortune to befall the ex-jerk.  But I do pray that our Heavenly Father, if it be His will for our daughter to be free, uses His divine influence to keep the ex as far away from her and us as possible.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Your prayers and/or happy thoughts are always welcome.

Fam Damily Pt. III

I want to try to get away from this being nothing but a place to bitch about family, and try to offer some lighter or more thoughtful content, but it’s been getting real hard to lately.

And, to be honest, I’m losing my muse.  I don’t quite want to pack it in completely because I never know when I’ll be inspired to get off my lazy butt and write something, but the inspiration has been less and less lately, which is why the crickets have been chirping so loudly.

Also not helping is the stress of being unemployed, and recent family events, some quite negative, that leave my mind a landlocked mess of emotions, unable to sleep properly but unable to get anything out.  Call it constipation of the mind.

But I will start out with something positive – my church and my faith.  I don’t always follow them as devoutly as I should at times, but it’s there when I need it and boy, I’ve needed them lately.  Sometimes there’s no better way to deal with your own issues than to put them aside for the greater good, so you can see the bigger picture and understand that, as many issues as you may have, there are far greater matters and those that have far more pressing needs, and you are in a position to make a difference.

That’s how I felt when I went to church yesterday.  Before my ride picked me up to take me to my church council meetings (the rest of the family followed later separately) I was crabby and sleep deprived, with the events of the night before and their future negative implications running through my head.  Yet my wife & I said a prayer together asking for comfort and peace, that we may at least be able to make it through church and faithfully perform our callings.  And you know, it worked.  Some unexpected good things did come about yesterday, but what was most important was the spiritual refreshment that we desperately needed.  I received some words of wisdom from my ride (an older gentleman who was formerly our branch president) and was able to focus on the things that concerned our not-so-big congregation as a whole, not to mention the Sunday School lesson I was supposed to teach for the day.

Just typing that last paragraph made me feel better.  But now I have to share the bad stuff.

My daughter Panda Bear is getting married this summer, which I’ve blogged a little about before.  So far, so good.

But we’re being pushed out of the wedding and their lives by my thoroughly evil sister-in-law, who seems to have this campaign to oust my wife as the mother of the bride.  She’s in the process of brainwashing both my daughter and the fiancé that my wife is trying to take over the wedding, that there’s going to be arguments and strife and nothing but trouble.  Oh, btw, I guess I’m the enemy too because I stand up and support my wife (why wouldn’t I?)

A little quickie background – Panda Bear is diagnosed as mildly Asperger’s, which means she doesn’t always understand social conventions and is easily manipulated.  Not helping is the troubled history between her and us (particularly her mother), which my beloved SIL keeps stoking the flames to behind the scenes.  Unfortunately the fiancé and his family are very easily manipulated too, and even though he and I have been friends for a while, it has become strained between us lately as he keeps being fed a line of shit about my wife and I have to stand up for her.

And let’s not forget the small detail that we have the relationship with our two grandchildren at stake here as well.

Meanwhile, pulling the strings behind the scenes…
my sil

I’m starting to wish a house would fall on her.

Enough for now, it’s starting to upset me again typing this.  Perhaps we really do need to pray for divine guidance right now.  Because I’m not seeing any other route we can take that won’t end in defeat for us.

Oh, and one more thing (to quote the great Columbo) – somebody at church told me I reminded them of John Madden.  After further review (and the fact that I really do admire the guy) I think I can take that as a compliment.

john madden

So maybe I’ll end this on a happy note after all.

Hell’s Candy

Something that one of my FB friends shared with me.  I’m not convinced that it isn’t some kind of twisted joke.

It sounds innocent enough.  Basically a bag of gourmet sugarless Gummi bears.

gummi bears from hell

But then you get to the reviews.  Dear God, the reviews.

Possibly NSFW, due to the gasps of horror and/or peals of laughter that may be disruptive to a work environment.  Read at your own risk.

Especially when you get to the parts about sending a case to every member of Congress, as well as the WBC.

Hope you enjoy your morning.

Turning into an FML day…

Find out this morning that granddaughter M is going to Children’s Hospital in Little Rock for some tests to figure out what’s wrong with her.  She’s been sick since New Year’s, and was originally diagnosed with a UTI, but she’s not getting any better.  Gallbladder is a suspect right now, but whoever heard of gallbladder problems with a 3 year old?  Unfortunately, knowing Panda Bear and her lack of culinary skills (or more accurately, the refusal to learn or improve them), I personally suspect too much junk or preprocessed food and not enough water or healthy drinks.

Shortly followed by the news that June Bug is in the hospital awaiting surgery to what appears to be an ovarian cyst, but hoping it isn’t something worse.  Unfortunately if anything happens to her then grandson CJ will likely end up with baby-daddy and his bass-ackwards family by default, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they try to keep him too, if she’s laid up and unable to care for him for any length of time.

And here we are, with me earning piddly squat through temp work, with only one barely running vehicle for three people to use (myself, Yes Dear, PBJ), and no way to travel anywhere to help except maybe the other side of town.

This morning, I got up and discovered that my car had a flat.

Followed later by the discovery that the pipes in the laundry room froze up with the record cold we’re experiencing.

So, to keep from totally losing it, here’s my song for the day.  Sing along, if you will.