I like Darwin

when he works his magic.

Something my wife emailed me that I can’t resist sharing.  I’m sure there are other worthy candidates floating around out there in the news, but here’s a set of Darwin awards, courtesy of Yes Dear:

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who ‘totally zoned when he ran,’
accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When
it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free
him. Jones was pronounced dead at the hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into
the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth
and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up!, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one
else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to
see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was
closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the
middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman’s cable, lay near by. They secured one end around
Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40
feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS…
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves…
‘—- happens’

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL.

Indeed!

Open your scriptures to the book of Exodus…

Little tidbit from last Sunday morning at church, during the Sunday school hour:

I was in the library reorganizing the shelves when I hear a chorus of voices from the next classroom over (the 10-11 year olds) wail, “Ohhhhh, MAVERICK!!” *

Followed by a door opening, hurried footsteps going into the hall, choking noises, and a lot of “EEEEEW”s.

I immediately knew what had happened.

Maverick must’ve had bean burritos for dinner the night before again. I once had to suffer one of his air biscuits during a Scout meeting, with similar results. Hope Al-Qaida never gets their hands on that kid, they really will have a weapon of mass destruction in their possession. Anyone that can clear a classroom of ten kids in five seconds could be a real threat to our national security.

I surveyed the carnage of ten gagging kids in the hallway, said “I really don’t want to know”, went back into the library and closed the door before they decided to come in and take refuge from the impishly grinning Maverick’s 10 megaton stink bomb.

Now having solitude as well as sanctuary, I reflected on how jealous I was that I couldn’t clear a room that fast. Maybe during our next OSHA safety meeting at work…

*(for those who’ve been keeping track, one of my Scouts)

Musical Interlude 8/15/08

To honor the Olympics, here’s an old 80’s gem I dug up.  This is Runner by Manfred Mann, a tune that briefly became popular back during the ‘84 Los Angeles Olympics.  I was 15 years old at the time, and completely clueless about life.  Where have the times gone?  Memories, memories.  And a kick-ass song that still sounds good.

Think you can do better?

Not happy with the current crop of presidential candidates?  Think you could do a better job?  Go pay Jim a visit at Snoozebutton Dreams and click on the video.  Then see how you could campaign yourself.

Sonofabishop

Little conversation I remember from about eight years ago, at a church father/son campout (back when I had a son to take with me):

(talking to the at-the-time bishop’s son, who just returned from his mission)

Dave:  So, where did you serve on your mission?

SOB (son of bishop):  Oh, I got to serve in Hawaii.

Dave:  Coolness!  Nothing beats two years at a tropical paradise.

SOB:  Yep, it was a blast.

Dave:  So, what was your favorite memory of the mission? (expecting some heartfelt conversion story or testimony)

SOB:  Arriving at the airport.

Dave: Really?

SOB:  Yeah, when I was greeted by all those Hawaiian girls.

Dave:  Wellnow.  That’s an interesting start to your mission.

SOB:  Sure was.  I must’ve gotten laid five times before I left the airport.

Dave:  *major Bou blink:*

(I might add that there were a few others standing there listening to our conversation.  A mixture of shocked looks, uneasy smiles, and barely stifled chuckles went through the group).

Dave: (attempting a recovery) Uhhh… so you did what?

SOB:  Leis.  They were passing out leis.  I must’ve gotten leid about five times before I ever got out of the airport.  They were quite nice.

Dave:  Ohhhh, I see.  (resisting an overpowering urge to put on an Emily Litella skit.  Never mind!)

I had to make up a lame excuse to walk away so I could find a safe, quiet place to release my snickers.  The rest of those present either did the same, stood there with blank looks on their faces, or just went on like nothing happened.  Topping it all off was the look on his father’s face, the bishop of our ward.  He had this I-can’t-believe-my-son-said-that look on his face.  Poor man.

To this day, I don’t know if he was totally clueless about what he said, if it was a faux pas that he tried to clumsily recover from, or if it was a deliberate act of mirth to see who’d be shocked and who’d be laughing in that very mixed company.

Realignment Pt. 2

As the Great Realignment of 2008 unfolds, I’ll be sure to post updates.

Yesterday our plant manager announced we were having lunch catered to us.  Firehouse Subs (my favorite).  In the conference room.

Ominous sign.  Was this to be our “Last Supper”?

While we ate, the boss was discussing with us ideas to forward to corporate, to help ease our pain if we decided to make the commute, or go find another job.  Pay raises, gas stipends, carpooling, severance packages, benefits, etc. were all brought up.  Another worrisome factor is that we are leaving a relatively safe area for one of the seamier sections of town.  Douglas County (where we’re going to be) butts up against the edge of southern Fulton County (pretty much Atlanta proper) and a corner of Cobb County.  In this little area along the I-20 corridor, particularly around Six Flags, resides a notorious haven for drug dens and prostitution.  Many of my coworkers privately confided that they may start packing heat with them if they have to travel there, particularly at night. 

But the one thing I was afraid of most was mentioned by the boss.  Though he was not officially given a time frame, he feels, judging by the urgency of the higher ups, that the move may take place as early as November.

So our lead time has likely been cut by two months.  Gotta start looking now.

Musical Interlude 8/6/2008

Just got back from another swim outing with the Top Gun Crew.  All the older kids (my daughter included) got to go to Stone Mountain for the laser light show.  The 11 year olds weren’t invited so we decided to go swimming.  Being the temperature was somewhere around 95 degrees, I think we got the better part of the deal.

This was to be our last “fun” outdoor activity before school started next week.  I also got to thinking how much fun it was to work with these kids and how I was going to lose most of them soon, as they turned 12 and moved into a different class.  We lost Goose last month (though he did join us for a required campout last week since his got cancelled), and we will lose Iceman and Slider at the end of the month.  That’ll leave us with just Maverick, until October when another one comes into our class, unless a kid moves into our ward between now and then. 

So for tonight’s Musical Interlude, in dedication to these wonderful kids I’ve had the pleasure of working with, I’ll leave you with The Boys Of Summer, by Don Henley.  One of my all-time favorites, and one of those tunes that instantly transports you back to a slice of time in your youth that stays with you forever.

Realignment

No one wants to hear that word in a work context.  Rarely does it mean a good thing. 

That word was spoken by are boss in a staff meeting today.  Not a good way to start out a meeting.

For a multitude of reasons, our facility is moving across town.  To the other side of Atlanta.

Even though three quarters of the employees live on this side of Atlanta.

WTF is corporate thinking?  I can’t help but wonder if this isn’t a way for the company to force out some of the people on the high end of the pay scale, knowing they won’t make the commute, and replacing them with employees who’ll accept half of what us long-termers make?

For those of you who are geography freaks, or familiar with the Atlanta area, our current facility is located in Gwinnett County.  The move would take us to Douglas County.  Get out the Rand McNallys or fire up Google Earth and do the measurements.  Oh yeah, and Atlanta has some of the worst traffic this side of LA or DC. 

Our boss said he’d forward any suggestions to corporate regarding transportation alternatives (mass transit is not feasible this far outside Atlanta), variations in work schedules, or anything to ease our pain.  Myself, I’m hoping for severance packages.  Because such a commute, with $3.75/gal gas, is not an option for me.  Nor is it an option for the majority of my coworkers adversely affected by the move. 

The boss came around later in the day, polling us individually as to our plans.  I played my cards close to the vest, not wanting to give them a reason to dump me early if they feel I won’t make the move.  But I told him honestly that the commute would be a serious issue, and I was going to wait to see how the company was going to help us out before making any decisions.

The most likely scenario?  I’ll be looking for new employment.  Luckily I got ’til January to make a decision.

Honestly, it may be what I need.  I’ ve been doing the same thing for the past eleven years, I’m tired and burned out, and have been looking for an excuse to go elsewhere for quite a while now.  Maybe this is the opportunity to do so.

Stupid award of the week

Maybe I’ll make this a more regular feature, I don’t know.  But I need to do something to get out of this fugue state and start blogging again on a regular basis.

Do people like this actually breed?  No way I could be a cop, I’d never have the patience for an idiotic jerk like this.  For that matter, I’d make a terrible judge, the prisons would be packed full of people too stupid to release into society.  Another reason why I hate jobs where I have to work with the general public.

Good read

Found this piece over at Pereiraville.  Pretty much sums up my feelings regarding the War on Terror.  People who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.  And sometimes I think that our worst enemy is not just the radical Islamic terrorists, but these “American” people who want to stick their heads in the sand and blame us for the world’s shortcomings.  My advice to such people - go move to North Korea.  Then maybe you’ll understand what freedom is all about.