Warning: overlong, meandering post ahead.
For many, the change in seasons is something to celebrate. The heat of the summer giving way to the cool days and chilly mornings of the fall, the leaves changing color and falling, the hint of the coming holidays. Usually it’s my favorite time of year, and there are many that seem to agree with me.
However it’s not always happy for everyone. And this year there seem to be a lot of people I know who are struggling with various issues in life right now. Myself included.
I’d like to call attention to a couple of them here. Oddybobo is going through some really tough times right now. I’m not going to air someone else’s personal laundry here, but let’s just say the past few months she’s lost two of the three people in her life that meant the most to her. So if you haven’t visited her already, go stop by and give her some love and words of encouragement.
Shannon of Everyday Stranger is one that I am very concerned about right now. Especially so because I consider her a sort of blogmom and I likely wouldn’t be here blogging without her inspiration. Sadly, in a sense, she’s lost a loved one too and is not doing well at this point. She’s closed down her Facebook and blog comments, so just think some happy, comforting thoughts and send them her way.
Me? I’m currently not doing too bad, all things considered, but a couple weeks ago some long time issues of mine came to a head, combined with family stress, and I had my own little ride on the meltdown carousel.
I haven’t made it a secret here that I tend to have self-image and self-esteem issues, but I’ve never gone into detail. Even now I don’t want to delve too deeply into it but I will share two things that tend to really get me down on myself. First of all, I can be fantastically clumsy at times. Not all the time, but it tends to be spectacular when it happens. I’ll trip over my own feet, run into a wall, whack my elbow on something I’ve cleared zillions of times, drop a drink without warning, knock over something fragile or full of liquid, etc. Suffice to say I get really upset at myself when such things happen. Quite often the paint on the walls starts bubbling from the sheer force of the foul language uttered by me on such occasions. I find myself extra cautious when dealing with the baby, afraid I’m going to trip and drop him, or bang him on a doorsill by accident, or catch him across the face with my elbow when I’m trying to feed him.
Worse, far worse, is that I swear I’m losing my mind sometimes.
I’ve always been a poor multitasker. My mind can focus on only one thing at a time, or absolutely nothing. I’m very prone to distractions. I often mishear things and sometimes forget something immediately after I’m told. Certain things that loom large and important in my mind I can keep straight, but often to the detriment of everything else. My think-on-my-feet skills are very poor. My mind tends to wander at critical times and miss important information.
This is not just recent baby-induced fatigue. This is something I’ve struggled with for years and it’s not getting any better. I sometimes wonder seriously if I have early onset Alzheimer’s or senility.
Don’t laugh. I’m not kidding.
I don’t think of myself as a stupid person. Quite the opposite. But my shortcomings make me do stupid things, as well as just look stupid. And there are days where I can’t stand to be around myself.
Don’t worry, I have no plans to do something extraordinarily rash. Too many people depend and care about me for me to want to go in that direction.
But I have to admit there have been times, like a few weeks ago, where I wished something really bad would happen to me. A sudden heart attack, or getting run down by a semi in the middle of the street, sounded really good to me. The self-loathing was that bad.
Not helping is the fact my issues have pushed my wife to the limit, to where she sometimes thinks I deliberately ignore everything she says to spite her.
A good example of my issues getting me into trouble was an incident a couple years ago. Back in my scoutmaster days, during a bike ride, one of my scouts crashed his bike and managed to briefly knock himself out. I focused my attention on the injured scout (who it turned out did suffer a slight concussion) but in the process lost track of my other charge, who told me he was going to find his dad for help, who was leading others elsewhere in the park. Having my hands full taking care of a kid who was exhibiting the scary signs of a head injury, and against my better judgement, I let the other one go. Unfortunately he missed his dad, who proceeded to show up on the scene, discovered one hurt boy and his son missing, and proceeded to go ballistic on me in front of the kids and onlookers.
Yes indeed, my self-hatred and self-esteem hit lows that day that I didn’t think possible. I don’t think I could’ve imagined in my wildest dreams what a clusterfuck that day turned into.
Fortunately, the lost son was located quickly. We got my injured Scout to his mother, who was a lot kinder to me after I explained what happened, and he got taken to the ER. After which I proceeded to go home in complete and utter disgrace.
I was able to exercise some decent damage control. I told my bishop all of what happened and offered my resignation from my calling, believing I could not be an effective leader. To his credit, he talked to all involved parties and told me they still wanted me as their Scoutmaster (though he did call me an assistant, something I was grateful for and should’ve had in the first place). And I was able to mend things with the dad that had gotten so upset with me, we shook hands, and put the matter behind us. And the boys (luckily only a couple were present) overlooked my complete humiliation and still retained their trust and confidence in me.
But confidence in myself after that? Took much longer to get any of it back. Especially considering I had made a series of bad decisions, each one making the prior one worse, that resulted in that particular debacle. There were some safety issues I didn’t address, which resulted in the initial accident, and I failed to keep track of all my charges, even when one was hurt and really needed my attention.
These are the things that I’ve had to deal with most of my life. And the older I get, the worse the consequences get for my shortcomings. And especially now, having a baby in the house and trying desperately to get a job, I don’t have the luxury of any more screwups.
So when the low points happen, all I can do is ride them through, and find things to do, small mundane moments of enjoyment, that’ll bring me back.
And now I’ll share my happy pills. My MP3’s, well dispensed by Windows Media Player.
There’s always that old standby “Touch of Grey” by the Grateful Dead, to help me through the tough times. The rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in years, it’s even worse than it appears, but it’s alright. I will get by, I will survive.
For my headbanging, let’s kick some ass moods, I’ve got the good AC/DC standbys “Back In Black”, “Thunderstruck”, and “Highway To Hell”. A little “Rock of Ages” from Def Leppard, Metallica’s “Enter Sandman”, even some Alice In Chains (Man In The Box).
Mellow? I got plenty of Steely Dan, a couple CD’s worth of Bonnie Raitt, some Eagles, and throw in the Doobie Brothers. Especially with Michael McDonald singing.
Contemplative? Counting Crows, Sting, Peter Gabriel, Natalie Merchant, Big Head Todd & The Monsters. Oh yeah, Jackson Browne’s “The Pretender” is another good one to have.
Road trip to anywhere, get lost, and stay lost? The entire “Brothers In Arms” CD by Dire Straits, Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” and “Kings Of The Highway”. Stone Temple Pilot’s “Interstate Love Song” (of course). Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car”.
Feeling down, and want to revel in my misery, wallow in it for awhile? Good old Nirvana delivers. If I’m really low? “Creep”, ‘specially the Pretenders version sung by Chrissie Hynde. Or perhaps “Squonk” by Genesis.
Good mood, good feelings? Just about anything by Stevie Ray Vaughan (especially “Little Wing”), backed up by some Eric Johnson. Eric Clapton’s “Change The World” fits the bill. Or let’s reach back for a real oldie, “Drift Away” by Dobie Gray (the ONLY version of that song that’s worth listening to in my book).
Who cares what I’m feeling, let’s just enjoy some good tunes? The entire Black Crowes CD “Shake Your Money Maker”. REM’s “Eponymous” CD. Just about anything by Van Halen (even the Sammy Hagar days, after that forget it). Sting’s “Bring On The Night” double live CD.
Okay, I’m done boring you with samplings from my MP3 collection. Care to share some of your happy pills?
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