Like this:

In the middle of the night, driving alone down a dark, sparsely populated interstate highway.  To somewhere, anywhere, nowhere.  Sometimes I really am driving, other times I just imagine it.  Because that’s when I feel like I can really connect with myself.  With the engine gently purring, with the world going by on cruise control at 70mph.  Sometimes with the radio or a CD going, sometimes with nothing but the thoughts in my head to keep me company, like videoclips from Youtube.

As I went along in this meditative frame of mind, I became aware of a not-unpleasant smell of smoke in the car.  Pipe smoke.  Tivoli, to be exact.

I turn my head and there is my old friend Doug, puffing away on his pipe, creating cloud formations of smoke, sitting in the passenger seat.  The pipe does a pretty reasonable job of disguising his B.O. and his general laziness with basic hygiene.

Well, Dave.  Long time, no see or hear.  About fourteen years, to be exact.

“Hello, Doug.  Good to hear you’re still around, in some capacity.  You know I sometimes still talk with you?”

Glad that you do.  Too bad that you didn’t do that while I was still around, like after you left California and cut off all contact with me.  Sarcasm definitely intended.

“Alright, Doug.  I agree it was a pretty chickenshit thing for me to do.  But Yes Dear and the kids needed my attention more than you at the time.  You needed far more than I could give you.”

Yes Dear, huh?  So that’s what you call her here?

“Yep.  The rules are no real names here, other than yours and mine.”

Alright, fair enough.  You know the only reason I’m letting you off the hook is because you actually found it in you to shed tears over me?

“I found out about you via Dennis, who I reconnected with through Facebook.  I found it very moving that he actually put a memorial online about you.  You thought you would die alone and be forgotten, but you were only half right.  You may have died alone, but Dennis preserved your memory when no one else would, and I found that worthy of the highest honor.”

Yeah, Dennis was always a good friend.  A better man than both of us, I might add.  If anyone would have made such a gesture, it would’ve been him.

“Guess I agree with you there.  So found any lost souls out there that you can help?”

Too many.  So many, as a matter of fact, that I have to pick and choose.  Like a doctor with too many patients to see, and not enough time.

“But I figure you would have plenty of time.  After all you’re… uh… not exactly among the living anymore.”

Doesn’t mean anything.  The trouble is, they’ve already had their chances in life and I can’t help them do much more other than accept their fate and move on so they can progress to the next level, whatever it might be.  But the living, I may still be able to make a difference with.  Particularly with those that knew me and can still hear me.

“Making a difference.  Just like in Star Trek: Generations.  What I live for, and what you once lived for too, even though you were too miserable with yourself to admit it.”

Still pretty perceptive, Dave.  I could only make myself happy by helping others.  Healing others, to be exact.  Just like you could still use some healing.

“So that’s why you’re here?  Because you think I’m still a patient of yours?”

I’m here because you brought me here.  Brought me, or at least your memory of me, back here.  Because you have issues you’re dealing with that are in many ways related to the old issues we used to discuss.

“Okay, so the good doctor, or witch doctor, or shaman, or whatever you prefer to be called, is in.”

Alright, smartass.  Let’s just start with her, Yes Dear, as you like to call her.  And I’ll just leave alone for the time being the fact that she ended up with you instead of me.  Things have been a little rocky at this point, but your deep love for each other is still keeping things afloat and in the game.  Even though you still keep quite a bit to yourself and can’t quite fully trust her with everything you have in your heart, like she wants you to.

“That’s the way I’ve always been.  I’ll give a lot, quite a lot.  But I have to keep some for myself.  To have something to fall back on in case everything else goes to shit.”

But if everything went to shit, even that little bit you keep for yourself wouldn’t be enough to sustain yourself on.  You’d move on, keep on living, even keep your sense of self.  But you’d never again be truly happy.  You could still help others, be a healer like me, but never find true happiness for yourself.  You’d never be able to let someone get that close to you again, to completely give yourself to them.  Am I right or wrong?

“Damn you.  I hate it when you’re right.  You still have that knack for pulling things right out, turning them around, and pointing them back at me.”

Yep, and I’ve only gotten better at it.  Now the kids, wow, have they grown since I’ve last seen them.  And grandkids?  Too cute.  Especially AJ, the one you two have taken in.

“Yeah, he’s something.  Call him our second chance kid, after all the problems we’ve had with the others.”

What a shame.  June Bug, or whatever you call her here, I’m somehow not surprised, she always seemed to have two sides of her at war with each other, even as a little girl.  And sorry to hear about the issues you’ve had with Panda Bear.  I only hope her issues don’t spill over onto her kids and cause you to have to take them in as well.

“God, no.  We figured even before he was born that it would be very likely we would be taking AJ in, because his mother just isn’t equipped to raise a kid now, and possibly never.  So we prepared ourselves.  But the last thing we want is to be raising all our grandkids, like Yes Dear’s sister.”

I hope for your sake it doesn’t come to that.  But allow me to get to the heart of something else that’s been on your mind.  It has to do with T, your stepson, the one you once took in as yours and vowed to do anything for.  He sure turned out to be a real tragedy, didn’t he?

“Careful, Doug.  That’s one story I’m not quite ready to share here, and haven’t decided if I ever should.  Discretion, please.”

Okay, understood.  I remember how he once looked up to you, how much of a hero you were to him, how much he loved you, and how you would do anything for him.

“I remember him too, and miss him.  And despite all the trouble he’s caused, all the pain and heartbreak to his mother and family, I still love him, even as he’s grown as an adult.  I’ve even gotten past the I-love-you-but-I-don’t-like-you stage.  But all the love and forgiveness and repentance in the world won’t repair all the damage that’s taken place, won’t give him back his life, not even a completely clean slate for him to start over with.  And you know that I’d even give him that if I was physically capable of doing so.  But the circumstances have completely tied my hands, so there’s little I can do at this point.”

And that’s where the real hurt is.  The fact that you tried, and in the end failed to help him.  That he destroyed himself, nearly took down the family with him, and may be condemned to live out his life as a barely functional man-child.  And that it would be easier to hate him, or at least not give a shit anymore, but you can’t do that, especially after knowing that he’s desperately looking to redeem himself as well.  Not to mention that many of his problems were caused by the misdeeds of others as well.

“I’ve finally gotten over feeling like a total failure to him.  I’ve come to realize that I took on a situation that I thought I was, but was in reality, totally unprepared for, and ill-equipped to handle.  And I thought, like an idiot, that my love for him, this child who never had a positive male figure in his life before me, would make the difference.  Yet by the time he became a teen, his descent into hell began.  He would take that love and use it against me, pound it over my head, throw it against the wall and try to break it.  And though he never broke it completely, he did damage it enough to where for quite a while I really did not feel the love and hated being around him.”

But he was not angry at you.  He thought he was, but he was reacting to what others did to him, things I’m not allowed to discuss here, and took out his pain and rage on you, as well as others.  And both of you now understand that, even though it’s late in the game and after the fact of all the damage that’s occurred.

“I only hope now that, since I’m able to be a fixture in his life at a much younger age, that I can be there for AJ, and protect him, and show him the right way early so he may follow that path as he becomes a teen and a young adult.  That I have learned from the mistakes I did make with the other kids and T, and not repeat them with AJ.”

I have no doubt that you will do right by AJ.  But this really isn’t about him.  This is about another one you are trying desperately to help, to save from himself and those who would take him down through selfishness and emotional neglect.  The one who, in a fit of stress and frustration a few weeks ago, Yes Dear accused you of favoring over your own immediate family.

“Yep, that one was a really cheap shot from her.  Especially because it made me start questioning whether or not I was doing the very thing she was accusing me of.  But I can’t bear to watch him self-destruct, which is exactly what I’m afraid will happen if nobody intervenes on his behalf.  And to make it worse, he practically begs me for help, to show him the way, to help him make sense of the world around him that no one will take the time to teach him about?”

I feel your pain, believe it or not.  Besides, the true healer is bound to help those who ask him or her for help.  Makes it much worse when the subject in question is a child.  But I think you’ve pretty much figured it out for yourself.  You couldn’t help T, and watched his train derail and crash in spectacular fashion.  Now you’re trying to prevent the same from happening to JJ.  But understand the differences between the two.  They both have had serious difficulties in their lives, but of completely different natures.  Their personalities are different.  And their maturity levels, when compared at JJ’s age level, are different.  So it’s not a given that JJ will walk down a similar path.

“I hope not.  But what I really fear is him walking down the same path his egg donor, aka The Chunt, took.”

The Chunt, huh?  Nice descriptive name.  But remember she had a lot of difficulties and was exposed to a lot of bad things when she was young as well.

“I’m aware of that too, but that doesn’t give her the right to fuck up her kids’ lives.  And besides, I’m not here to talk about her.  There’s a good chance she’ll end up dead herself someday soon, and maybe her path will cross yours in the next plane of existence, and then maybe you two can talk and figure out where she went wrong.  But I’m not going to take up any more blog space with her.”

OK, fair enough.  So my advice to you is this:  do whatever you can for JJ.  Love him when he is around, remember him when he isn’t, and be there for him when he needs someone.  You are making a difference with him, and he will always remember that.  But never forget your primary responsibilities to Yes Dear and AJ, and that right now their needs are greater.  And remember that because you’ve been away for over a year that you have quite a bit of catchup to do with AJ in the bonding department.  Be sure to take advantage of any time you are able to spend with him alone.  Because ultimately he will be the one to look up to you for fatherly guidance, for a dad’s love, for the wisdom that a teen seeks as they transition into early adulthood, whether they admit it or not.  And stop crucifying yourself over past failures.  Take your own favorite advice and learn from your mistakes, and move on.  Just don’t make them anymore.

“Well, Doug, once again you pounded that nail just where it needed to go.  Looks like you’ll have that talent for time and eternity.”

Thanks for the compliment.  Too bad you couldn’t have said that more often while I was alive.

“I would’ve, but at the time all it did was overinflate your ego, only to have it eventually blow out later.”

What makes you think I’m not still like that?

“Okay, okay.  Even after death, some things never change.”

Alright then.  Time to go, you’ve got places to go and people to see and sleep to catch up on, and I’ve got a few lost souls elsewhere who I’m committed to helping find themselves.  So don’t be a stranger.  I’ll still be around, and come back to keep you company from time to time.  Just don’t run away for another fourteen years.

“Okay, sounds like a deal.  Catch you later.  And for cripes sake, clean yourself up, you don’t have to smell like a Tivoli-smoking goat all the time.”

Very funny.  Laters.

And just like that, I’m alone again in my car, driving down a dark highway to anywhere.