Like this:

The other day I got a comment on an old, old blog post.  After further thought I decided that perhaps it needed a sequel:

(found in various places around the Internet)

Sermon Blooper: “Let everything that hath breasts praise the Lord!”

Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.

If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

Thursday at 5:00PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his study.

Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.

The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”

Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

I was a church secretary for a year. Another secretary there was in charge of the bulletin, but she always had me proofread it for her. She swears that, when she was a secretary for another church, she let “Do You Like to Sin in the Shower?” get through to the real bulletin.

Church sign: The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: “The Gates of Heaven”. Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: “Please use other entrance.”

Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”

The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: “Great God, what do I see here?”  Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: “Hark! an awful voice is sounding”

On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

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